we go out in stormy weather

Jay David Gephart

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 04:19:45 GMT

The only person I have ever hated.
COD craniocerebral trauma.
The only person I have ever loved.

1/16/1990-7/2/2008

I guess I proved your point

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 15:34:45 GMT

I have a crush on her, yes.
yes.
And I plan on doing nothing at all about it.
^_^

oxycodine. GHB. envy.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 05:43:13 GMT

Apparently I'm determined to kill myself.
But it isn't true, no.
Lilah was scared but I wasn't. Becca could fight anything.

He's back. And he's coming back. (no, not Jesus you dumb fucks.)
shit.
....
I won't be held responsible. They fell in love in the first place.

vanityvanityvanity

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:25:59 GMT

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 16:46:31 GMT

I found the wreckage just off ten mile.

That poor thing didn't have a chance.

....

you fucking psycho.

ten thousand miles of moonscape.

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 18:20:18 GMT

waitlist.
the college way to say "We should take a break" when they are too pussy to say "I'm breaking up with you."
sort of heartbreaking.

I'm moving to Seattle anyway.

party?
There were lesbians everywhere, but I stole the prettiest girl.

today?
Indian food with a redhead and a blonde.

caleb? don?
dress-up dolls, toy soldiers.

spring break is suddenly cold and it looks like an empty plastic cup or maybe a dead dog.

call me by name

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:20:11 GMT

moonchild
pixie
gem
Calliope
Eve

yes, yes, yes

this might be a revenge thing. or maybe just a sex thing.

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 09:21:32 GMT

There is something amazingly nice about not sleeping at all.

Someone arrived at my house at midnight under the guise of a incense delivery.
"You just drove half an hour to give me these 5 sticks of incense?"
"Yes."

Together we will plant a garden of narcissus blooms. And there will be a pond in the very center, still as glass.

we were dead before the ship even sank

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 02:35:08 GMT

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 23:29:01 GMT

Loving you is pure narcissism.

I said, "This bed is a coffin."
You said, "I'm glad to be dead with you."

I have never seen a mirror image that could walk and talk and, furthermore, touch and touch and touch.
When I bite your lip I taste my own blood.
Your pride pumps in me like poison.
My heartbeat aligns with yours.

How could this ever end well?

*edit*
Yesterday I cut out words from Science Journal and glued them to a scrap piece of paper.

Killing Time With Strangers: the young distrust love and fear commitment

I can hear from under the red line
mothers
and
old homeless men
bloated with stars
But little things adapted to human beings
dismantle the current system

two secret heroes
late at night
waiting for the sun
the consequences are
like Coke, McDonald's, drugs
a passive sacrifice
after putting on latex

This is the inquiry of history
wing to wing
oar to oar
escape the servitude

you're behind the wheel
"Good," I nod. "Let's go."

Sophisticated Saturday.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:45:10 GMT

Reeling from a fantastic party. Even kevin tyler couldn't ruin it.
All the pretty girls were there. and of course, the prettiest boy of all.

I kissed my own vanity beneath the moon.

I saw god laughing like a heat lamp.

I can no longer tell my own blood from wine.

God is laughing at you, I am God.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:00:13 GMT

So you're writing a novella?

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Reading it was beside myself, or just not even there. The words spilled out of me beautifully and everyone in the family just lost it."

You didn't even bother to proof read your eulogy.
You open your mouth, and you think honey flows.
You open your mouth and all that spills out is vomit.

You’re all alone
You’re all over
the popular magazines will never care
What do you care?
You’re down with the Japanese

But you’ve got no right to sit there saying I abuse it
When you only sleep with girls who say they like your music

Backstabber! Hope grabber!
Greedy little fit haver!
God, I feel for you… fool
You shit lover! Off brusher!
Jaded bitter joy crusher!
Fear has made you so cruel

Hey,
I'd rather be called a whore and a bitch than an idiot.

LSD gives you great hair

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 02:40:37 GMT

so I got drunk and fucked up.
so I got drunk and fucked up bad.

...

so I got drunk and kissed someone who I
a) am not attracted to
b) don't have feelings for
c) knew I should have been avoiding
d) was warned to stay away from
e) promised to not kiss

well fuck. but honesty, isn't that better than getting drunk and climbing on to a rooftop? (okay I guess esther did that, too, haha)
Listen, girl. You are one of my best friends. And though you aren't going to read this, it helps me to write it. I want you to know I'm sorry. But I really do deserve to be forgiven here. If anyone should be upset at me, it should be me.

and the kiss was probably shitty, even though I don't even remember it.

vicodin dreams and pinup girl corsets.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 03:07:28 GMT

My new haircut is the sex sex sex.
Blonde again? oh yes.

Jay is a whore now (hahahahahha).

Lilah is back at school!

Don treats me like I'm some precious golden statue.

Melissa brought me the most beautiful lilies.

life is amazing.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 12:07:39 GMT

Coffee, the perfect meal substitute.

Being heartbroken really doesn't suit me. I've begun obsessing about my weight, shopping too much on ebay, and not doing my assignments.
Or maybe it does suit me. I've been waiting for an excuse to fuck up like this for months.

I'd rather buy vintage art deco sequin dresses than weed.
I'd rather not be in love with you.
I'd rather be warm.

and I take that back. I like loving you, yes I do.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 21:34:53 GMT

haircut schedualed for wednesday, ebay ebay ebay, feather head ornaments, new lipstick, cha-ching.

I left my heart in california, so I've got to make my exterior at least look like it's having a good time.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:25:27 GMT

Have I thought myself in love before?

This ache will take me to my grave.

and that is why a girl is called a tease
and that is why a guy is called a sleaze
and that’s why god made escort agencies
one life to live and mace and GHB

and that’s the way it is in Minnesota
that’s the way it is in Oklahoma homa
that’s the way since the animals and Noah
first climbed onto shores of California

Diamonds and Gold (what I keep in my mouf)

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 03:57:07 GMT

Sunday night Timbers employee party.
I love bartending. I love money. I love Dean. I love Timbers.

Valentine's Day, and another handwritten love letter from another boy.
"I have no idea in [sic] what you seen in us. I want to be with you more than anything."
and
"I want us to be happy, no matter what."
Liar liar liar!

You want YOU to be happy. You want me to be more than your friend. So don't bullshit me. Bastard. And you burned me a CD and you said it was about me and you called is "secrets." Well I've seen it all before.
Yes, I know this is my fault. But fuck you.

I just want to breath, you know?
Friday night I looked around the room and saw two known men who wanted to be with me. I didn't care.

All I could think was how very pretty Esther's hair was in that lighting.

p.s.
has anyone ever noticed that I exist in a very limited color scheme?

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:40:33 GMT

Becca you'd best keep your promise and find me a right beautiful damsel.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:46:37 GMT

Self pity is an easy state for me. I told Jay I wasn't going to be with him, that he should go out and get a girlfriend, and... he listened to me. He started contacting girls, bam bam bam. Lilah says he's obsessed, he's the happiest he's been in awhile.
I don't miss Jay.
But I do miss Jay's attention. And as selfish as this is, you must at least know that I am fully supporting him. Hell, it was my idea.

Meanwhile, I've got a dozen red roses from Don Dooley staring me in the face. Text messages from Brandon. Facebook messages from Mike and Lianna.

girlsandboysandthrillsandpills.
what am I supposed to do with myself?

a man drove himself
insane

he was driven
insane
at least he
was driven

I don't know
about you, but it
sure seems
better than just
sitting around
talking about it.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:13:16 GMT

I'd just like to say that I still have my arm...

metaphors for redheaded boys and such.

silly people.

and I lost mine on Feb. the first

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:15:04 GMT

A gangrene infested limb... the doctors have been struggling a long time to save it, but it's just not going to happen.
You give them the permission. They chop it off.

So you don't have a festering arm anymore. But I mean, it's still your arm right? It was covered in puss and it smelled horrible but still

that arm was fucking yours. It used to be yours.

you call again please arsonist attack

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:39:45 GMT

Procrastinating because I know the Department of Homeland Security is a big fear mongering joke.

People have a funny habit of falling in love with me, which causes them to treat me like shit. Funny, if I were in love with someone I do believe I'd treat them kindly.
"If you're going to fall asleep, get out."
The perfect excuse. I grabbed my computer and shot towards the door. He got down on his knees, threw himself in a heap on the floor, and begged me to stay. I've seen it all before. Remember all my casual comments about how glad I was this friendship with K. wasn't destroyed?
Usually I don't make stupid assumptions like that.

The newly sober Virginia, (mother, sacred womb, bullshit bullshit), insisted I come to meditation with her because she wanted to meditate in the same room with me. Which is going to be a half hour of me doing the opposite of meditating, because I will never feel safe to open my consciousness around that woman. Recovered or not.

How can I ever apologize? I meant you no such harm
I never knew I could possess that fatal kind of charm
I just wanted to be good to you but I found I was disarmed
By a lifetime of disillusionment and the distraction of the stars
I abdicated now I'm just a prince without a land
My subjects all adore me but for this I had them banned.

200 dollars by Valentines Day. Grand Rapids to Chicago to San Diego. When I saw the departure time, calm enveloped me.
I will make the airport my valentine, I will give my heart to whoever sits next to me on my flight.

new honestly box message:
does it get old to hear you are perfect everyday?
do you sense undertones of resentment regardless of reality? i would.

whatever. you are beautiful.

It doesn't get old. But I live in constant fear that I will be hit by a bus or drenched in boiling oil and no one will want my companionship any longer. I feel not pretty, I feel pretty, I feel powerful, I feel terrified, I feel as if I don't deserve it.

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:24:45 GMT

and they all said "you were born in the wrong era."

what do you need, brother love?

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:26:28 GMT

Sitting on a couch at 4 a.m., watching esther sleep, pretending to be drunk to upset Jay. I got up, covered her with a blanket, sat back down.

and I said "she's beautiful she's beautiful" and everyone who was actually drunk didn't care to notice.

fights
police
chess
bad poems about sex
friendship bracelets and adderall

"You look like Dita Von Teese. You look like Marylin Monroe."

And when kevin and I fell asleep we held hands because everyone is lonely on their birthday.