we go out in stormy weather

The only person I have ever hated.
COD craniocerebral trauma.
The only person I have ever loved.

1/16/1990-7/2/2008

I have a crush on her, yes.
yes.
And I plan on doing nothing at all about it.
^_^

Apparently I'm determined to kill myself.
But it isn't true, no.
Lilah was scared but I wasn't. Becca could fight anything.


He's back. And he's coming back. (no, not Jesus you dumb fucks.)
shit.
....
I won't be held responsible. They fell in love in the first place.

I found the wreckage just off ten mile.

That poor thing didn't have a chance.

....

you fucking psycho.

waitlist.
the college way to say "We should take a break" when they are too pussy to say "I'm breaking up with you."
sort of heartbreaking.

I'm moving to Seattle anyway.

party?
There were lesbians everywhere, but I stole the prettiest girl.

today?
Indian food with a redhead and a blonde.

caleb? don?
dress-up dolls, toy soldiers.


spring break is suddenly cold and it looks like an empty plastic cup or maybe a dead dog.

moonchild
pixie
gem
Calliope
Eve

yes, yes, yes

There is something amazingly nice about not sleeping at all.

Someone arrived at my house at midnight under the guise of a incense delivery.
"You just drove half an hour to give me these 5 sticks of incense?"
"Yes."

Together we will plant a garden of narcissus blooms. And there will be a pond in the very center, still as glass.

Loving you is pure narcissism.

I said, "This bed is a coffin."
You said, "I'm glad to be dead with you."

I have never seen a mirror image that could walk and talk and, furthermore, touch and touch and touch.
When I bite your lip I taste my own blood.
Your pride pumps in me like poison.
My heartbeat aligns with yours.

How could this ever end well?

*edit*
Yesterday I cut out words from Science Journal and glued them to a scrap piece of paper.

Killing Time With Strangers: the young distrust love and fear commitment

I can hear from under the red line
mothers
and
old homeless men
bloated with stars
But little things adapted to human beings
dismantle the current system

two secret heroes
late at night
waiting for the sun
the consequences are
like Coke, McDonald's, drugs
a passive sacrifice
after putting on latex

This is the inquiry of history
wing to wing
oar to oar
escape the servitude

you're behind the wheel
"Good," I nod. "Let's go."

Reeling from a fantastic party. Even kevin tyler couldn't ruin it.
All the pretty girls were there. and of course, the prettiest boy of all.

I kissed my own vanity beneath the moon.

I saw god laughing like a heat lamp.

I can no longer tell my own blood from wine.

So you're writing a novella?

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Reading it was beside myself, or just not even there. The words spilled out of me beautifully and everyone in the family just lost it."

You didn't even bother to proof read your eulogy.
You open your mouth, and you think honey flows.
You open your mouth and all that spills out is vomit.


You’re all alone
You’re all over
the popular magazines will never care
What do you care?
You’re down with the Japanese

But you’ve got no right to sit there saying I abuse it
When you only sleep with girls who say they like your music

Backstabber! Hope grabber!
Greedy little fit haver!
God, I feel for you… fool
You shit lover! Off brusher!
Jaded bitter joy crusher!
Fear has made you so cruel

Hey,
I'd rather be called a whore and a bitch than an idiot.

so I got drunk and fucked up.
so I got drunk and fucked up bad.

...


so I got drunk and kissed someone who I
a) am not attracted to
b) don't have feelings for
c) knew I should have been avoiding
d) was warned to stay away from
e) promised to not kiss

well fuck. but honesty, isn't that better than getting drunk and climbing on to a rooftop? (okay I guess esther did that, too, haha)
Listen, girl. You are one of my best friends. And though you aren't going to read this, it helps me to write it. I want you to know I'm sorry. But I really do deserve to be forgiven here. If anyone should be upset at me, it should be me.

and the kiss was probably shitty, even though I don't even remember it.

My new haircut is the sex sex sex.
Blonde again? oh yes.

Jay is a whore now (hahahahahha).

Lilah is back at school!

Don treats me like I'm some precious golden statue.

Melissa brought me the most beautiful lilies.

life is amazing.

Coffee, the perfect meal substitute.

Being heartbroken really doesn't suit me. I've begun obsessing about my weight, shopping too much on ebay, and not doing my assignments.
Or maybe it does suit me. I've been waiting for an excuse to fuck up like this for months.

I'd rather buy vintage art deco sequin dresses than weed.
I'd rather not be in love with you.
I'd rather be warm.

and I take that back. I like loving you, yes I do.

haircut schedualed for wednesday, ebay ebay ebay, feather head ornaments, new lipstick, cha-ching.

I left my heart in california, so I've got to make my exterior at least look like it's having a good time.

Have I thought myself in love before?

This ache will take me to my grave.



and that is why a girl is called a tease
and that is why a guy is called a sleaze
and that’s why god made escort agencies
one life to live and mace and GHB

and that’s the way it is in Minnesota
that’s the way it is in Oklahoma homa
that’s the way since the animals and Noah
first climbed onto shores of California

Sunday night Timbers employee party.
I love bartending. I love money. I love Dean. I love Timbers.


Valentine's Day, and another handwritten love letter from another boy.
"I have no idea in [sic] what you seen in us. I want to be with you more than anything."
and
"I want us to be happy, no matter what."
Liar liar liar!

You want YOU to be happy. You want me to be more than your friend. So don't bullshit me. Bastard. And you burned me a CD and you said it was about me and you called is "secrets." Well I've seen it all before.
Yes, I know this is my fault. But fuck you.

I just want to breath, you know?
Friday night I looked around the room and saw two known men who wanted to be with me. I didn't care.

All I could think was how very pretty Esther's hair was in that lighting.

p.s.
has anyone ever noticed that I exist in a very limited color scheme?

Becca you'd best keep your promise and find me a right beautiful damsel.